LOS ANGELES—Confirming that doctors had performed the procedure successfully, sources reported Friday that Sabrina Carpenter had undergone a state-mandated lobotomy to cure her medically diagnosed nymphomania. According to eyewitnesses, the 26-year-old artist arrived at a state mental hospital early this morning strapped to a gurney so that she could not act on her depraved sexual thoughts. Several reports indicated that Carpenter muttered “Hor…hor…horny” as an anesthesiologist secured a breathing mask over her head and a neurosurgeon brandishing an ice-pick-like instrument prepared to insert the tool into her frontal lobe in compliance with a court order issued by a California judge. At press time, a doctor was reportedly standing by the singer’s bedside asking if she still felt like man’s best friend.
