MONUMENT VALLEY, AZ—Prison officials confirmed Monday that Ghislaine Maxwell, the longtime Jeffrey Epstein associate currently serving a 20-year sentence for sexually abusing teenage girls, had been moved from a federal prison in Florida to a giant red ‘X’ painted on the ground next to a large butte in the desert. “Due to the extraordinary levels of publicity surrounding Ms. Maxwell’s case, special circumstances have compelled us to relocate her to a remote stretch of southwestern desert beneath a rapidly expanding shadow,” said Federal Bureau of Prisons director William K. Marshall III, who, while disguised as a saguaro cactus, explained that the descending whistle sound heard overhead was an atmospheric phenomenon completely unrelated to the large anvil spotted dangling from a weather balloon. “At no point has the bureau been instructed to stray from protocol. Ms. Maxwell has been provided with the standard-issue ‘Yikes!’ sign to ensure expressive clarity during any sudden developments. Additionally, she retains full access to legal counsel should she choose to reach the phone by sprinting at full speed through the tunnel that cuts through a nearby cliff face, which has always been there and is perfectly functional. Furthermore, the guard stationed on a mesa with a giant magnifying glass is simply there to maintain surveillance, not, as some conspiracy theorists have baselessly alleged, to concentrate sunlight into a high-energy beam capable of reducing her to a pile of ash.” At press time, Ghislaine Maxwell had reportedly fled the scene, leaving behind only a crater in the shape of the federal prison chief’s splayed-out body.
