So. Last night I went to Windcrest (it’s part of San Antonio) because they have this decades-old tradition where people put up incredible holiday decorations and people can drive through the neighborhoods for free. I was chosen to be one of the judges of the Christmas Light-Up because the theme this year is “storybooks” and they wanted an author. I was more than slightly nervous to leave the house because of my social anxiety but from the email invite it sounded like a simple little dinner cooked and given by high school students and then a drive around the neighborhoods to judge the houses. I told Victor I wasn’t sure what to wear because I don’t own anything christmasy and he was like, “I’m sure you can wear anything” so I threw a sweater from Goodwill over my denim house dress and as I was walking out of the door I realized I was still wearing my garden flip-flops and ran to change shoes but the only ones I could find didn’t match my outfit at all but who cares because I’m sure it’s fine, right? *cough*
And then we got inside and I walked directly into several men who were wearing elaborate white coronation suits with gold cords and medals, like the one Cinderella’s husband wore at the royal ball and I was like, “I have made a terrible mistake.”
And then Victor said, “It’s fine. I see other people wearing casual clothes” and that would be comforting if right then a man hadn’t walked in wearing a full royal suit complete with a golden crown THAT LIT THE FUCK UP. So if you ever feel underdressed in the future, just know that you’re not doing that badly if you’re not in a goodwill sweater standing next to a man in an electrified and bejeweled golden crown.
And then I just stared at Victor because what the fuck is actually happening right now and he was like, “Let’s just go sit at that empty table in the back in case we need to sneak out” and so we sat alone for a few minutes until the most glamorous woman I’ve ever seen in real life walked in wearing a stunning dress and she and her husband came to sit with us and did I mention that she was also wearing a crown BECAUSE SHE’S THE REIGNING MISS SAN ANTONIO.
I could not make this shit up, y’all.
BUT…I decided to just give up all pretense of pretending to be normal and skipped awkward smalltalk and got into a weirdly deep conversation with this gorgeous woman who also happens to also be a lawyer and a mother and a fellow introver,t and it was lovely and I was very impressed with myself for not faking diarrhea and immediately hiding in the bathroom until everyone left.
Then we were told that the judges would be split up into groups that would be driven around by the police and that’s when I thought, “This is the weirdest undercover sting I have ever been involved in and if they wanted me to pay my parking tickets they could have just said.” But turns out I wasn’t being arrested and I sent my kid a text with this picture and the words, “Right now I’m in the back of a cop car and I’m not going to jail this time and I just wanted to celebrate this as a win. HIGH FIVE.”
And Hailey probably pinched their nose and sighed just like the cop was doing in the picture and they replied, “WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING??” but I didn’t respond because I was too busy asking the cop legal questions. (Like did you know that if I refused to wear a seatbelt in a cop car I would get the ticket instead of him? Who knew? Answer: He knew.)
Anyway, this is just to say that even though I initially thought that I’d made a terrible mistake in leaving the house, it ended up being really lovely and I’m leaving this here to remind myself to get out more even if I do it in my garden flip-flops. (But maybe I should put an emergency crown in the car for next time? I don’t know the rules about crowns.)
PS. Turns out the guys in the royal suits were part of the Fiesta royalty which will make no sense to you if you don’t live in San Antonio, but it’s totally a real thing we love here. I got a picture of them but it wasn’t very flattering so instead I’m using an official one, although this is a totally different crown than the one he was wearing last night and how many crowns does he have? It’s kind of impressive, really, but now I’m wondering if I need to have multiple emergency car crowns?
Leaving the house is confusing, y’all.
PPS. I did not get any good pictures of the houses because I’m a terrible journalist but this one I took from a moving police car was one of my favorites because I know people love a good nativity scene but I’m an absolute sucker for a house with a death star on it.
Happy holidays, y’all.
